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3 Months Later….

Well, hello!

 

It’s been exactly 3 months since my last post. As I look back on where my thoughts were at that time and what I was hoping to have accomplished by now, of course I have to ask myself if anything has changed.

 

Answer: not really. And also yes.

 

I still have not weighed myself since November and based on how my clothes fit my guess is that I haven’t gained OR lost anything. There have been days I’ve thought about getting on the scale, “just to see,” and every time I’ve decided not to. At first I told myself that I no longer NEED to see where the number is because it just doesn’t matter. I shouldn’t determine my healthy weight by a number on the scale, because I will always want that number to be lower. Always. I should go by how my body feels and how my clothes fit. That’s what I tell myself.

 

But if I’m completely honest, it’s because I’m scared. I’m scared the number on the scale will be higher than I’m expecting and that I will hate myself even more. I’m afraid that knowing this will be so discouraging that I will give up on exercise and on trying to eat mindfully. I’m afraid I’m not strong enough to not only tell myself but to really believe that my worth is not determined by that number. So I don’t weigh myself.

 

Having said all that, I do think I’ve been getting the hang of eating mindfully. I’ve been focusing on eating food that isn’t overly processed or has a ton of refined sugar and I’ve noticed that when I do have something really sweet I get a headache almost immediately. This actually has me a bit worried because when I Googled this I came up with a bunch of stuff saying that this could be a symptom of diabetes. Lovely. So I made myself an appointment for a physical. I mean, the diabetes thing wasn’t the only motivating factor. The Boy has been bugging me for ages to get a physical. Have I mentioned how much I hate going to the doctor? HATE IT. But I’m going. I have two weeks until that misery. At this point, though, I’m choosing to believe that the headache is because my body isn’t used to all the sugar anymore.

 

At any rate, I’ve been focusing on eating mostly clean foods and things that are not empty calories. I’ve been paying close attention to protein content in order to try to find foods that will keep me feeling fuller longer, and I’ve been trying to plan my meals and snacks so that I don’t find myself in a situation where I’m starving and the only food choices available are high sugar things like doughnuts or cookies.

 

I’ve also been trying to have fun with my food. So I’ve been having things like this.

 

 

Fig preserve pizza. Yes, I’m aware that preserves have lots of sugar. I only had 3 pieces and I had a salad too. It’s all about balance, right?

 

I’ve also been having things like this.

 

 

Toast w/pb & banana slices. Yummy.

 

 

Nemo thought it looked good too.

 

 

He even said please, but I still said no. Mean Mommy.

 

There has also been a lot of yogurt with blueberries, homemade trail mix (sunflower seeds + pumpkin seeds + mini dark chocolate morsels), flax seed meal and Kashi Go Lean Crunch cereal in my diet. The only thing about that combo is that I think the cereal part of it is making my guts hurt. I was using Kashi because it’s tasty and fairly low in calories and I like that hearty crunch to my yogurt mess. But it’s not worth a massive belly ache, so I’m ditching the cereal in favor of granola in smaller amounts. I’ve also been experimenting with protein pancakes for my post-long run breakfasts and I LOVE them. Especially with sunflower butter. So, so good.

 

 

Pre-run, pre-pancake. Loving the Instagram.

I guess my point is that I’m trying to populate my meals with extremely tasty but healthy food that makes me feel like I’m not depriving myself because I’m not. I want to look forward to my meals, but I want them to also be packed with as much nutrition as possible. That seems to be the key to not actually craving crap. That, and training my body to react to crap adversely. Hello, headaches.

 

My major accomplishment is that one day last week I actually went for 3 hours without thinking about food even once. That is huge. I want that to happen again.

 

Oh, and I also ran the Shamrock Shuffle. That was pretty damn fun.

 

My major fail of the last week is that I missed EVERY SINGLE WORKOUT. For some bizarre reason, I was completely lacking in energy and slept through my alarm every stinkin’ morning. Since I’ve committed to working out regularly, I can’t remember the last time I’ve gone this long without any workout at all (well, I did take The Dog for walks, but did not break a sweat). Instead of berating myself over it, though, I’m just going to get back on the horse tomorrow morning. My legs feel like they want to run, so I’m going to run.

 

Also, I think this guy’s moving enough for both of us this week.

 

 

My dog is weird.

Oh! I almost forgot! I spotted this in my library a couple weeks ago.

This was attached to one of our displays for Diet & Exercise books. If you aren’t familiar with Operation Beautiful, you should check it out now. This made my day!

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Shimmer

Shimmer

Quiksilver cut out shirt
$37 – quiksilver.com

Victoria’s Secret bootcut pants
$50 – victoriassecret.com

Charlotte Russe platform heel shoes
$18 – charlotterusse.com

Tote hand bag
$41 – kohls.com

Pippa dot jewelry
$49 – stelladot.com

Rose jewelry
$23 – windsorstore.com

Eye Shadow Trio
$45 – barneys.com

Larger Than Life Lip Gloss
$26 – barneys.com

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HOT

HOT

H M long sleeve shirt
£15 – hm.com

Zipper jacket
$20 – tillys.com

MICHAEL Michael Kors michael kors jeans
$80 – lordandtaylor.com

Lovely People high heels
$63 – endless.com

Patent leather handbag
$30 – yesstyle.com

Danish design watch
$75 – momastore.org

Dorothy Perkins silver bangle
$15 – dorothyperkins.com

Wet Seal statement necklace
$9.50 – wetseal.com

Dior Five-Color Designer Eyeshadow
$59 – saksfifthavenue.com

Lip Gloss
$24 – barneys.com

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A New Day

Today I ate like a normal human! HOORAY!

This morning I ate a scaled down, much more reasonable version of The Most Delicious Oatmeal Ever. Still delicious, just in a smaller portion. I had half a banana and a mini Luna bar as a morning snack.

I ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch. Simple, classic, yum.

Dinner was a Smart Ones pepperoni pizza minis frozen meal. Not the greatest choice, I know, but I had to work a split shift today so it was what it was. I had some carrots and cucumbers for an evening snack. When I got home I had a piece of whole wheat cornbread left over from last night, a glass of wine, a cup of tea, and 3 Who Nu cookies (an impulse buy and they’re surprisingly tasty!). All that added up to about 1,400 calories. Since getting to the gym was a no-go this morning, I’ll have to settle for this-food related small victory.

I’ve also decided to embark on a new fitness quest. I’ll save the details for another post.

I’m so excited and a bit scared, because tomorrow I’m having breakfast with a friend I haven’t seen in for-EVER. Can’t wait! And also, what the heck do I eat?!

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Mindfully Going Insane

I think about food all the time. All. The. Time. I look forward to my next meal time. I regret what I ate at my last meal time. I think about what I’d like to eat. I think about what I dislike eating. I plan the naughty things that I will indulge in on various days and stress about the things I’ve eaten that I know will prevent me from losing weight. I am, quite literally, obsessed with food.

That is not to say that I believe that I have an eating disorder necessarily. I believe I’ve “binged” maybe once or twice in my life. I don’t starve myself (obviously). I don’t make myself throw up. I do, however, still seem to have a pretty unhealthy relationship with food.

I have friends who are able to actually forget to eat. As in, they are so absorbed in whatever they’re doing that they completely miss the fact that they haven’t consumed food in hours and hours. I have never been that way. I am incredibly envious of people who can do that. I wish I could go for even a few hours without thinking about food.

So I’m obsessed with food, AND I cannot stand to look at my body in a mirror. It’s not a good pairing. Something has to give.

My therapist suggested that I try mindful eating. Apparently this consists of eating when one is hungry and stopping when one is full. It entails being present with one’s food and thinking about what one is putting into one’s body. It does not necessarily include counting calories or points or anything of that nature. The idea is that 80% of what one consumes is “good for you,” and the other 20% is, I don’t know, I guess fun or not so good for you or whatever.

I’ve been trying to do this for the last month or so. I’ve been more successful in being present with my food over the last week or so, and coincidentally I’ve been trying extra-hard to follow a training program: run, cross-training + strength, repeat, repeat, repeat. I made it to the gym 6 times last week. I felt strong. I felt happy, mostly. I felt pleased with what my body could do and with what I had been putting in my body for fuel.

Until yesterday.

I was getting ready to go to a friend’s house for dinner and I was putting on my jeans after my shower. They were tight. Like, uncomfortably tight. Like, I was a little afraid they were going to rip, tight. And I freaked. I’m still freaking.

Starting tomorrow, I’m going to begin keeping track of my calories again. I simply cannot let myself get bigger than I am. I’m terrified of weighing myself, so I’m not going to. I did, however, take some measurements:

Bust: 41 inches

Waist: 31 inches(!)

Hips: 43 inches (what?!?!)

I’m not sure what I *want* these to look like, but I know this isn’t it. I’m going to take them again in a month and see what happens.

Also, I’ve changed the name of my blog simply because I want to put my process of self-discovery front and center. Hope you’ll bear with me.

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Snow Day

Good morning!

 

When I took The Dog out this morning, I was surprised to discover this winter wonderland. It’s been so warm this winter that we’ve only had one other day of snow that stuck to the ground in Chicago so far, and I have to say – if the temperature is going to drop, I want snow!

Here’s our backyard:

 

 

My intention was to get up before The Boy this morning and make it to the gym and back before he left for work, but our bed was so comfortable and cozy that I slept until his alarm went off just before 9:00 a.m. Of course, I woke up hungry, so I reasoned that breakfast was in order since I wouldn’t leave for the gym until after he left anyway. Enter rolled oats cooked with pumpkin (a la yesterday).

 

 

No mimosa today (sadness).

But The Dog was at his usual station.

 

 

I also had a cup of coffee.

Time to get up and at them!

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Lazy

Today has been pretty low key. The Boy & I took The Dog for a walk this afternoon & it was COLD. The walk was not a long one.

We watched some stuff, I knitted, and I took a bunch of pictures of The Dog.

 

I took a bath, took a nap, then made dinner. I didn’t know what I wanted but I knew I wanted cornbread for some weird reason. So I made some.

 

 

I decided to pair it with something mildly spicy & I remembered that I had picked up some apple chicken sausage at Trader Joe’s about a week ago. I sliced up a couple of links along with a skinless boneless chicken breast. I sautéed the meat to brown it, then I added some Beaujolais & beef broth. I brought it to the boil and let it thicken.

 

 

In the meantime, I cooked some brown rice in beef stock.

I added leftover salad for me.

 

 

It was easy & super yum!

During & after dinner we watched SHERLOCK. So much fun.

I’ve got a lot on the schedule for tomorrow. Today was such a lazy day that I’ll have a ton of things to do tomorrow. Fortunately I have the day off tomorrow. Hooray for closed libraries! On the list of things to do:

Workout

Taking The Dog to PetSmart to get dogfood

Cleaning

Taking down Christmas decorations

Laundry

Dog walking

Grocery shopping

Weekly meal planning

But first, I believe Chocohotopots are calling my name ; )

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